A wise mentor of mine once said, “You can’t teach what is under the table.” This is as true now as it was 35 years ago when I was first starting to homeschool. And exerting control over one, or two, or more children is exhausting and not tenable in the long run. Our children NEED to develop self-control. The virtue of self-control is the ability to say no to temptation, to say yes to controlling impulses and emotions, and to say yes to delaying gratification. This is the key to sucess in life. Many times, we are concerned that our children are strong willed. But that is the wrong paradigm. Being weak willed is as bad, or even worse. We do not want our children to be weak willed, strong willed, or Mom controlled. We want our children to have the key virtue of self-control. YOU can help them to develop self-control! Here are six ways you can help.
1. The bad news: You need to model it! The good news: Everyone in your life, including you, will benefit. Be Calm and Carry On! I know that being with the kiddos can be stressful. Take a deep breath and slow down. You can and should express your feelings but do it in a way that releases anger rather than stoking the anger. While driving I consciously attempt to not become angry or use an angry voice or words. Rather, I pray out loud for people who are not driving well. The kids see and are affected; I am less angry and stressed! WIN, WIN!
2. Provide a stable environment by setting limits and structure. Do your children balk at starting their schoolwork in the mornings? Perhaps they are wondering if you will even do school today. And maybe they can avoid it all together and just play Legos all day. The first step is to set a firm bedtime and a firm get up time. This can roll over into a firm we-will-start-school time. Are you thinking that you are not a morning person? Honestly, neither am I. But I trained the kids to get up, dressed, beds made, breakfast, and piano practice. The older two usually had all of this done before I had two cups of coffee and was fully awake. But I was awake enough to make them get moving.
3. Keep your promises. Will there be a reward if they control themselves? Make sure to give it so they learn to trust you and believe that self-control has benefits. Eventually they will rely on internal benefits, but now you are training them to exercise their self-control muscles. Since children (and all people) love rewards, this is something that is fun for a parent to do! You must learn not to promise a reward unless you are willing to give it. And this holds true with a negative consequence even more. No promising or threatening unless you are prepared to follow through.
4. Keep your word. If you said there would be negative consequences for a certain behavior, and they did not exert self-control, and then there were no consequences, why should they exert self-control next time? If you say there is going to be a consequence, you must follow through. This is not a time to be angry; it is a time to be firm. You can even express a bit of disappointment. The children can know that you do not enjoy enforcing negative consequences. Being a good parent includes this job, and you take your job seriously. You are helping your children and demonstrating the love of a true father. See Hebrews 12:4-11.
5. Give positive feedback. Tell them you think they can control themselves (in the specific situation) and then tell them they are doing so well even as they are in the midst of it! As we catch our children doing well, and comment on it, they are encouraged to do it again. Notice when they do their chores or schoolwork without complaining, share with their sibling, or respond promptly to you. Tell them you noticed and appreciate it. Tell them that you see them maturing and growing up! Our children do want to please us, and they do want to be considered grown-up! Bonus tip: Set reasonable expectations and end the situation before they fall apart.
6. Neither over control nor ignore. If you overcontrol your children they are not developing self-control; they are just learning to be mom-controlled or dad-controlled. Look for ways that your children can make decisions. This can be as simple as letting them choose food, such as picking an apple, banana, or orange for a snack. Now I am not talking about letting them make any choice. They don’t get to snack on your stash of dark chocolate. What are some ways your can let them choose and accept the consequences for those choices? Perhaps picking one book out of a selection. Picking a sport to play. Giving children an allowance with the stipulation that it needs to be used for certain things. A teen or tween might need to use their allowance money to go out with their friends to the movies, for ice cream, etc. If they spend all their money when they first get it, they need to bear the consequences. Don’t overcontrol by bailing them out. That is teaching them to never save a bit of money for a future event. You also don’t want to overcontrol by being so stingy with the money they don’t get to go anywhere. At the same time you do not ignore them and let them use their money for anything. For instance when my children were young I told them what movies they could go to. As they entered their teen years, I would ask them if they had read (Plugged In is a good source) about the movie and if there was anything we would need to discuss.
Our children NEED to develop self-control. And it is possible. Self-control is not inborn. It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22-23). We are admonished to add it to our faith (2 Peter 1:6). YOU can help them to develop self-control!