You CAN help cultivate self-control in your one-to-three-year old’s and here’s how.
I joked in my Cultivating Self-Control talk at the AFHE Convention that you cannot cultivated self-control in a two-year-old. While this statement provides a good laugh line, there really are things that you can do to cultivate self-control in one- to three-year-olds.
First and foremost is to meet their physical needs.
Meet their needs BEFORE they start to desperately need them.
- Feed them before they (think they) are starving. Feed them before they are screaming. Feed them nutritious food that will sustain them and help them grow. Be observant of any food allergy reactions. Give them a nutritious snack during the arsenic hour when you are preparing dinner. (Arsenic hour? You know, between 4-5 when they begin to melt down) Healthy light snacks can include carrots, bell peppers, celery. That way they will still want to eat their dinner with the rest of the family.
- Give them plenty of water.
- Change their diapers regularly.
- Make sure they are getting enough sleep. Learn to read their sleep signs. If you don’t know how, read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.
- Hold them and cuddle with them regularly. Look into their eyes and talk with them.
- Let them play outside every day for at least a little while.
Provide a routine in your day, as much as possible.
- By one year of age a child should have established waking and sleeping routines. I know that they will go from two naps to one. But there still should be some routine.
- Provide a pattern to their bedtime. Perhaps a bath, changing into pjs, a book read by parents, and bedtime prayers. Some families sing to their children or play music at bedtime to help the children slow down, relax, and fall asleep.
- Provide a routine for mealtimes. Your little child can start to help set the table by putting on the napkins or silverware. Yes, I know it is faster to do it yourself, but these kinds of rituals can help a small child wait for dinner.
- Consider training your little one to have “play yard time.” Especially if you are homeschooling, train your toddler to have time in a play yard by herself with just a few indestructible books and toys to entertain her. Some little children will really grow to love this alone time. Others will just learn to tolerate it. Start with just 10 minutes and increase the time until they can last for about 30-45 minutes.
Be calm yourself and believe that they can control themselves.
- When their voices escalate, bring yours down to a deeper register and lower volume.
- When they get frustrated, you need to express patience. At least on the outside. Deep breaths, mama!
Start training for self-control.
- Ask them (and expect them) to start to use words to communicate rather than screams, pointing, etc.
- Even a 9-month-old should be able to start to use sign language rather than screams, grunts, and pointing. Learn the “More” sign by placing the fingers of each hand together. Ask your baby, “Do you want more?” Then move their hands in the sign, and say, “Yes, I will give you more.” Then give them just a few more cheerios. Repeat and you will be surprised how quickly they learn to sign “more!”
- As they get older you need to instruct them to “Use your words.” Perhaps saying, “I can’t understand you. Use your words.” or “I don’t understand what you are pointing at. Can you use your words?” Do this even if you can totally tell what they want.
- They might be so upset that you need to teach them how to take a deep breath, so that they can regain their composure. You will need to patiently demonstrate for them.
- If they are having a full out tantrum the idea above may not work. You might need to put them in a quiet place alone (for a SHORT time) so that they can regain their composure. If they immediately stop screaming, you know that it was all for your benefit.
- Give them choices.
- Let them choose between two good things. Ask them if they want their milk in a blue cup or red cup. This can distract them from demanding soda.
- I had a runner. At 18 months she ran into the street, off in every store, etc. I got tired of having security lock down the store while we tried to find her. That actually only happened once, but I am forever traumatized. When we found her, she laughed and turned the other way and darted down the aisle away from us. I went from that store directly to the Baby Store and purchased a leash for her. After wearing it for a few weeks, I would put the harness on her, but ask her if she would like to walk with me without the leash. Then she could CHOOSE to stay with me. And she knew I could (and would) whip out the leash and clip it on her immediately if she strayed! She learned to control her impulse to run away from me.
- Give them tricks to succeed.
- When you are going into a store where you do not want them to touch anything, tell them to put their hands in their pockets. This will keep their hands busy for a SHORT time. Seriously, it might only work for 10 minutes. But it is a start.
- Teach them to use the magic words, please and thank you. These words help them not to be demanding and starts a habit of gratitude.
Affirm them when they are self-controlled.
- Try to get them out of bed when they are awake, but before they start screaming for you. If they scream immediately upon waking, wait at the door for a pause and walk in at the pause. Greet them sweetly with a happy, calm smile.
- Tell them that you believe that they can behave. Of course, be realistic. They will need to run off some steam and be noisy after being quiet and behaved for a short period of time. BUT they can be quiet and self-controlled for an ever-lengthening time.
So yes, you can begin to cultivate self-control in your little one. And you should!