For those of you who have mastered the first six ways, here are some additional ways to develop self-control in your children. JUST KIDDING! We are all in process and still working on the first five ways. They are foundational, so go back and re-read them before you look at these additional strategies. And remember, we are playing the long game. This might take 15 years. Actually, it is a lifetime project. I am still working on it for me, aren’t you?
These next four strategies are under the broad topic of teaching how to deal with temptation. Temptation heats up situations and makes us (and our children) want to do something RIGHT NOW! The key is to cool down so that one can make rational decisions.
1. I think I can. It is crucial to believe you can overcome temptation, you can say no to the hot reaction that is bubbling up from within you. As a parent you need to teach your child by affirming, “I think you can!” And by teaching them to state, “I think I can!” Teach them to affirm or talk to themselves. They need to say what they are going to do and why, before they even do it. For instance, “I think I can react properly and not hit my sister.” Eventually the right behavior will be internalized, and they will just do it. Self-talk is a Biblical concept. The Psalmist states, “Why, I ask myself, are you so depressed? Why are you so upset inside? Hope in God!” (Ps 42:5. CEB)
2. Distract myself. If one is tempted to do something wrong, a great strategy is to distract oneself. You might use this strategy in food consumption. Do you want to eat that ice cream or chocolate? Don’t keep looking at it but go for a walk. Now teach your children to distract themselves in their tempting situations. What should they do when their sibling is irritating them, and they want to smack them? Ask your child before the situation arises how they can distract themselves. Perhaps just walk away. Perhaps take a nap. Perhaps get a drink of water or a nutritious snack.
3. Imagine. If your sibling has a toy that you want, you could imagine playing with a different toy such as a new Lego set. If there is candy on the counter, but you should not have it, imagine a frame around the candy, making it not real, but just a picture. Imagination only works if you think happy thoughts. Thinking a marshmallow is rotten will not be as effective as imagining it is a cloud! Teenagers and adults sometimes use this concept when they imagine a group of new people that they need to meet as wearing clown noses. It makes us smile and able to approach them with confidence. this is a great strategy for giving a speech!
The if, then principle. Direct your children before they are in a hot situation what they could do if (when) the situation arises. For instance,
- IF I feel angry, then I will leave the room, count to 10, or go get a glass of water.
- IF my alarm goes off, I will get up and jump in the shower.
- IF I am tempted to leave my work, then I will not look at the distraction (my little sister) and I will finish my work.
The goal is that the child (or adult) will have an automatic response to a problematic situation. This makes an acceptable reaction become reflexive and unconscious. This strategy is especially helpful for ADHD people.
Now you have strategies to develop self-control in yourselves and in your children. You need to practice over and over again. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence (virtue) then is not an act, but a habit.” -Will Durant’s explanation of Aristotle’s teaching. Be prepared to use all the strategies over and over again. Habituate the virtue of self-control!